eleventh.transmission
POEM
HIV + HUNGRY
by S-J Krahn
Hi, I’m
HIV
+
HUNGRY
And I’m an alcoholic.
I’ve been clean for 8
months, 13 days.
I still go to the meetings.
I say
I admit
I am powerless
I believe that a Power greater than myself can restore my sanity
I turn my will and life over to the care of God
I stand, wrap
the room’s warmth
around me
one last time,
return to the street
The price to pay
for a few hours’ shelter
is admitting
I am powerless
Speaking:
like trying
to find
a needle
in a haystack
The needle is God’s penis
I encourage Him at first
It is so easy to turn
my will and life over
to my secret lover
We meet
covertly in
dank cement stairwells
Drizzles bear witness
We do not notice
We lose ourselves
I burn the haystack
Bottom-Up
The needle isn’t flammable
I take Him Bottom-Up
Our love is silent
untouchable
resonates across centuries
unbroken by strength
I say to Him
I admit
I am powerless
Fuck me now
Day after Day
we come back to this place
He sucks on me sometimes
caresses my cheek
some days more than once
more than twice
five, six times
God:
not just my caretaker,
my reason for life.
I need to feel
His slender prick inside
pumping
cool peace
through
my body
God God Oh Oh God God Oh God Oh God
I am powerless
You’re three-personed
You’re – God Oh Oh God
Till the hay is inside
scritching my veins
on fire
on fire
smoke teems
in my brains
God comes
To my rescue –
I tell him “No!”
He brought me to this,
His love my life’s anecdote.
He snarls
He pounces
He will not heed me
Injection sharp
Infection
Yeah that’s how it was anyway
God fucked me around
So now when I claim to be powerless
It’s just for the show to get out of the rain
Yeah God gave me HIV
(Who knew He was so human?)
I wrap the room’s
warmth around me
and wonder
Is He still hungry
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